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They said, "Keep the relationship subtle. There once was a Bard with a staff There once was a lass, Gabrielle, There once was a warrior named Xena, There was a tall warrior from Greece If Lucy Lawless ever went braless, Gab once met a man named Vidalis, Princess Xena and Gabrielle Mistress Xena was giving a slave I love to watch movies with Xena; There were gymnasts whose efforts to please There were ladies so graceful and fair, A cable channel on my TV, Another channel shows only tits; What a marvel is this cable, When the circus comes in to our town, The young lady up on the trapeze Houdini the great escape king, A challenge made to one and all, One summoned his research V.P. The work was a smashing success, The magician was cuffed and then chained, One spectator smiled like a fox, Howard Stern is one hundred percent phony; His opinions are always wrong Said Olsen twin sis Mary-Kate, But Ashley sees green, to be frank, As I climb into my wetsuit, I'm frequently flying in space. Exploration gives me that big thrill; Ronnie Barker is no more, and he Yes, Ronnie, for forty five years If you notice some sag in your tush His views are the match of his girth -- Oh Dearie, pontificate. Here's a thriller that's called "24," It's an intricate plot, but in brief: Agent Bauer is in a tight spot; California's the perfect location Kiefer Sutherland, man-of-the-hour, When I'm watching this show, I'm in heaven, At 10, it's the news and the weather. The blouses she wears are enhancing; The heave of her breast makes me sigh, EVOLUTION: a complex beyond knowing; There's one thing that we can construe -- An ape, taught to speak by old Ritter, The world's in a horrible shape At the zoo, an old keeper of note, The vaporous fog that's MIASMA For all-time Efficiency honors -- A caveman in old St. Tropez The caves in the Stone Age were dusty, I've never forgotten -- have you? If you would trace your family tree, Upon a dark midnight so dreary, Genealogy is at times bleak, "Evolution means progress? My eye!" "With that deft and magnificent ease "Evolution," complained Mr. Glass, The rats that were raised by old Flynn If acids and bases combine And in the far future, mere dust A puddle of dust mixed with grime Now spirals and lines can make ladders; The story includes blazing bolts In darkness, it's hard to find light,
We will not hear any rebuttal."
So with every red shirt,
Gabrielle would act hurt,
And then she and Xena could cuddle.
--- Leaf, Jul 97
And all her opponents would laugh,
Till she whacked them up high
And then on the thigh,
And caused them to buckle in half.
--- Anon
Who fell in a deep darkened well.
She hollered with fright,
But all was all right,
'Cause Xena was there; ain't she swell?
--- Anon
Who couldn't have been any meaner,
Then along came a bard
Who tried very hard,
And made mean old Xena, serener.
--- MadDog Mags, 22 July 97
Who loved a woman who had golden fleece.
Where ever they went,
Xena's ire was not spent;
His hard oral skills kept her at ease.
--- Anon
Sans T shirt as well, she was topless,
Would they point to the sky?
Or sag, and down lie?
I hear the scarring's a mess!
--- Archie
Who was stern though he bore her no malice.
He placed scrolls on her head,
Taught her manners and said,
"I'll make you the queen of this palace!"
--- The Perf, Jul 96
Giving Gods and all the villains hell.
Giving out the Rebel-Yell
Bidding suitors Fare-Thee-Well.
What price love, they'll never tell.
--- Lynn Mostafa
A strict lesson in how to behave.
But while cracking her whip,
She felt a disc slip,
And suffered more pain than she gave.
--- Lims For Year - 01
She has such a sexy demeanor.
She has legs that are long,
And she does own a thong
And some things that are even obscener!
--- Al Willis T9707
Were flights on a lofty trapeze.
There were others whose role
Was to balance a pole
And perform on a tightrope with ease.
--- Anon
At least so they were typified there,
Who could ride 'round the course
With one leg on the horse,
And the other up high in the air.
--- J R Johnson P0502
Shows only ladies that like to pee.
Some in the grass,
Some in a glass,
And some from up in a tree.
--- Puff Adder
Some that look like cherry pits.
Some with boobs
That look like tubes,
Some that are covered with zits.
--- Puff Adder
That lets us all be able
To be educated
Of things X-rated,
During lunch at the kitchen table.
--- Puff Adder
The big top becomes its big crown!
As the young eager faces
Make their way to their places,
They wait for their favourite -- the clown.
--- Arthur Pattaffy
Hangs there holding on with her knees.
She swings to and fro
As if nowhere to go,
Like a flower that's caught in a breeze.
--- Arthur Pattaffy
Claimed he could unlock anything;
Stripped to the buff,
Harry shed every cuff,
And he did it without a keyring.
--- Joel D Ash
Ballyhooed as a clarion call;
"Iron clad guarantee.
No lock can hold me."
Manufacturers annoyed at his gall.
--- Joel D Ash
"Start work on a new lock and key.
To meet every test.
Make sure it's the best.
Handcuffs that will stump Houdini."
--- Joel D Ash
Foolproof cuffs publicized to the press;
Make Houdini eat crow,
At a really big show,
Handcuff makers would love his distress.
--- Joel D Ash
In a box he was carefully constrained;
Thrown into the bay,
All his friends in dismay,
Under water so long he remained.
--- Joel D Ash
The V.P. who designed the locks;
He'd sold Harry the key;
Houdini would be free,
`rom the handcuffs, the chains, and the box.
--- Joel D Ash
He's worse that Imus, his crony.
But I'd like to have Robin
Do some head bobbin
Up and down around my baloney.
--- MrMalo
And always go on for too long.
He makes all that money
And he ain't even funny;
I'd much rather hear a good song.
--- MrMalo
"I've learned a cool trick: masturbate!
I fill my vagina
With Ben-wa from China;
Now I no longer need to go date.
--- Captain Infinity
Jealous at twin sister's prank.
She says, "I'll show them!
I'll try S&M!"
She loves to have her hiney spanked.
--- Captain Infinity
(Then hunted around for my boot)
I hoped I would spy
A whale eye-to-eye
And discover some pirate loot.
--- Marlene
I visit some alien place.
I go back in time;
I solve a big crime,
Then help build an undersea base.
--- Marlene
The thought of its loss brings a chill.
I donate my cash
Whenever they flash,
"If PBS won't do it, who will?"
--- Marlene
Will only be seen on TV.
His friends lit fork handles,
Or was it four candles?
So it's goodnight for him...and for me.
--- David Miller
That man made my eyes fill with tears
Of laughter; his skill
Could cure any ill;
Where he's gone now, he will bring the cheers.
--- Tiddy Ogg
And you've given Weight-Watchers the brush,
No need to feel sad,
Or judge yourself bad --
You're surely less bloated than Rush.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
This is file crm
They're outsize and would attract mirth,
But the ditto-head scum
Are so glum and so dumb,
That they egg on, this not-upon-earth.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Politicos do it in state.
Since they know they'll get warts
Without their cohorts --
Well Rush, go ahead, masturbate!
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Which is way too intense to ignore.
Every week, it's one hour
With Agent Jack Bauer,
And twists and excitement galore.
--- Larry Hollister
An election provides the motif.
If this jumbo jet bomber
Can kill David Palmer,
He won't be Commander-in-Chief.
--- Larry Hollister
To survive will take all that he's got.
Where the hell is his daughter?
The bad guys have got her!
And that's just the start of the plot!
--- Larry Hollister
For some candidate depopulation.
Now this Senator dude
May get royally screwed
As the butt of a ass-ass-ination.
--- Larry Hollister
Won a Golden Globe playing Jack Bauer.
But the guy's been awake
All night long, for pete's sake,
So I think he could use a cold shower.
--- Larry Hollister
Right along with my kid, who's eleven.
We both get our kicks
Watching episode six,
But we really liked 24/7.
--- Larry Hollister
The newscaster sits in his leather
Armchair looking grim;
I don't listen to him,
For I'm waiting on weather-girl Heather.
--- Peter Wilkins
Her fronts (always warm) are advancing;
Her nipples jut out
When cold weather's about,
And her deep husky voice is entrancing.
--- Peter Wilkins
As she talks about temperatures high;
And with pressures arising,
It isn't surprising
That precipitation is nigh.
--- Peter Wilkins
From dithering single cells flowing
With splitting indecision,
For amoebas of vision,
Knowing not if they're coming or going.
--- Chris Woodger P0411
If men carry on as they do
Then the facts we must face,
Men will soon take their place
With the animals caged in the zoo.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024 P8810
Became a most talkative critter.
He was told how his clan
Was related to man;
His complaints of the insult were bitter.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024 P8810
Due to man, not gorilla or ape.
The apes and gorillas
Are peace-minded fellows:
Don't hoard. Don't murder. Don't rape.
--- Laurence Perrine P8810
Crossed a baboon, a parrot, and goat.
The offspring, unique,
Soon learned how to speak,
And it asked for its rights and a vote.
--- Albin Chaplin 0324 P8810
We now know gave first protoplasma,
When in Genesis,
Acid synthesis,
Bringing order to chaos phantasma.
--- Daniel Ford
Ten thousand BC, Ogog ponders.
"No future is there
If wheels remain square,"
Then Ogog began cutting corners.
--- Al Chaplin P0201 P8906
Could eat a whole pig in one day...
Ears, tail, snout and guts,
But never the nuts.
Asked why, he'd declare, "That's outre!"
--- Sally Porter P8812
And chilly and drafty, and musty.
But surely much worse
Was the terrible curse
Of the Iron Age, with everything rusty.
--- Funfax Limericks
That Sunday we spent at the zoo,
Comparing the features
Of all of those creatures
We're related (though distantly) to.
--- Laurence Perrine P8810
Be braced to find some strange debris.
For deep in the past,
When manners were cast,
You were kin to the chimpanzee.
--- Gerald Bosacker
While pondering evolutionary theory,
Bob said with a wink,
To his partner the twink,
I fear for our fitness, my dearie.
--- Science Creative Quart
Leaving me at wit's end, so to speak.
I would not be offended
To learn I'm descended
From the ancient clan chief, "Fitz of Pique".
--- Loren Fitzhugh P2006
Buzzed a something I heard whining by.
"After lives of illusion,
At Time's nigh collusion,
I've worked up to being -- a fly!"
--- Laurence Perrine P8810
They gracefully swing through the trees!
Let the jeering begin.
I am proud of my kin!"
Cried the man on the flying trapeze.
--- Laurence Perrine P8408
"On occasion achieves too much class
And succeeds much too well,
As homeowners can tell,
Who have tried to get rid of crabgrass."
--- A N Wilkins P8810
Were trained like no others had been.
When a rat learned to speak
He proceeded to shriek,
"Oh my God, what a man-race I'm in!"
--- Al Chaplin 3024 P8810
With proper amounts, in a line,
The results will impress
And revise with each stress,
From algae to mortals divine.
--- Matthew Montchalin
That's stirred up and scattered in gusts.
Takes up a new form,
And finds itself born,
Complete with hot passions and lust.
--- Matthew Montchalin e
Requires but a wink and some time
Before it will grow
And what do you know?
Out climbs a tadpole from the slime.
--- Matthew Montchalin
Crystalline structures oft shatter,
But carbon is glue
And that is the clue;
The nexus connecting; that matters.
--- Matthew Montchalin
Of lightning descending in jolts.
And fumes from hot vents,
Untamed turbulence,
And deafening musical notes.
--- Matthew Montchalin
Much harder for life to ignite.
But even in the black,
Those ladders will stack,
And rise dizzily high in their height.
--- Matthew Montchalin
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