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I got a bread-making machine, There's stuff they should tell you about I thought I'd be well-bread as well; So you think that if I came to dinner, If the dieties meant us to cook, A misogynist baked great Bundt cake; At her toaster stood buxom Ms. Bartz; A bakery student named Jake That toast was delicious, ho-hum. There was a hot chick name of Leda There once was a baker of parts, The practice of feeding on bran A bold Russian baker once led She woke me with her rapid pumping The tale of the great chef from France, When I eat your strawberry tart, At breakfast, I made a deduction I sing an ode to the P. B. and J., The Pillsbury Doughboy's an anal emission! (Kill him using Monistat)
There was a young schoolgirl named Seaton A housewife from near Trois Rivieres I like to cook, but I never bake, A young lady who lived by the Usk, (rusk - a dry, twice-baked bread)
Sara Lee sobbed; a tear filled her eye. A famous researcher named Gates Just pummel and knead it, he said, Joe the baker baked a couple of pies; When energy crises arise, The early bird flies through the trees, She just lounged around in her chemise, You'll find in our Irish cheese, There was a young lady of Totten, The girl in the Chinese pagoda, On the eve of the spring equinox, When cider is sipped with some cheese, A Frenchman who ate too much Brie, A Welshman who ate Caerphilly The selections will boggle your brain; Young Wendy, while shopping for cheese, The new boss was inspecting the crew, Whilst eating a nice piece of Cheddar, While eating a nice piece of Cheddar, A man who knew cheese to perfection A limburger lover was Keyes; Said a man from the Florida Keys. "Just 9 or 10 ounces of cheese," The "N" word's as bad as the "C's" Their moans peaked louder and louder, Consider yon Emmenthal cheese... In a shop full of delicacies, Emmenthal cheese is delightful; A joy to the world, "Emmenthal," To grow ever wiser and sage, A table that's empty and sad, Why yes, my boy, Emmenthal rolls A Greek who could only eat Feta, A man on the flying trapeze The feet of a lass from Tblesi A scraggly old bag named Louise To his bride said economist Fife, Whilst eating a ripe Gorgonzola, While eating a piece of Gruyere, There was a co-ed of Cayenne On Punxsutawney Day During Lent, when fresh milk was abhorred, The teacher said, "Right, children, now
The neatest that I've ever seen.
The loaves look so pretty
But inside they're gritty,
And taste just like polystyrene.
--- Marlene Lewis
Like how this thing gives a shout
When the bread is done,
But the thing number one?;
The packing stuff I didn't take out.
--- Marlene Lewis
Turns out, I'm a cooker from Hell.
I've got a cookbook
But I cannot look
In there 'cause the pages all smell.
--- Marlene Lewis
I might finish up a bit thinner"
No fine turkey roast?
But perhaps beans on toast?
As a diet it might be a winner.
--- Tiddy Ogg
They'd have not trod the path that they took.
They gave us Big Macks,
And all sorts of snacks.
'Twas the Devil who gave us cookbooks.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Those tasting would a pleased grunt make.
When they offered their praise,
He'd smirk, "Yes, in all ways,
It's better than any that cunt bake."
--- Bob Giandomenico P0502
While heating her breakfast Pop Tarts,
Being lost in deep thought,
A disaster was wrought,
When she badly burned both her top parts.
--- Bob Giandomenico P2005
Decided that he could make
A quick buck or two,
If he married sweet Sue,
Then charged her dad for the cake.
--- Anon
Though it's filled up that gap in my tum,
There's crumbs in my hair,
Both on top and down there,
And there's crumbs up the crack of my bum.
--- Anon
Who came from the town of Bogeta.
She had a big clit
And a juicy wet slit,
That her men would eat like a pita.
--- Anon
Who wasted no time on false starts.
He turned out pies and cakes,
And fine bread in two shakes,
Leaving plenty of time for the tarts.
--- John Ciardi
Is something I don't understan'.
It's gritty and bland,
Like chewing on sand,
And makes your bowels dance the cancan.
--- Timothy Torkildson
A strike in the bakery, which spread
To a full blown revolt,
Giving owners a jolt;
All due to that hot brazen red.
--- Bob Giandomenico P0101
Of my dick -- she jerked and was thumping.
When I let out a yell,
And said, "What the hell!"
She was dreaming of biscuit dough lumping.
--- Travis Brasell
A victim of drunk circumstance,
Though he burned the baguette,
What he lived to regret,
Was the loaf that he stuck in his pants.
--- Richard Long
I'm hard to stop, once when I start;
Your sweet is nutritious,
And creamy -- delicious!
I love the way it spreads apart!
--- Anon
Which I hope will be a reduction.
I'm just not in the mood
For certain breakfast food:
Wheat germ's a "Weapon of Mush Construction."
--- Tom Patton P0410
Which, only if I had my way,
Would have a statue raised,
And would be loudly praised
As the kiddies' lunch mainstay.
--- William K Alsop Jr
I'm getting an oven powered by fission.
Throw him in back,
With a probe up his crack,
And burn him beyond recognition.
--- John Chastaine
Who tried to outcook Mrs Beeton.
But she made a cream puff
That was stringy and tough,
And some pies far too hard to be eaten.
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
Won awards for her buns at the fair;
Though not for their size
Did she garner the prize --
But their place on her sweet dairy air!
--- J P Slugworthy 44b
Though once I tried a nice cheese cake.
Forsooth and VERILY,
I'd rather eat Sarah Lee,
Or even that crap made by Drake.
--- Norm Brust
Subsisted each day on a rusk.
She ate the first bite
Before it was light,
And the last crumb sometime after dusk.
--- Edward Gorey
"I just can't learn to bake though I try.
My bread should be white, but
The mystery is what
Would make batch after batch go awry?"
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P9402
Discovered we're plagued by the fates!
He found that flaked corn,
Consumed every morn,
Will stain the four walls of our nates.
--- Armand Singer
Or try pumping and pounding instead.
Using all of your power,
Keep it up for an hour...
The result is superior bread.
--- Peter Wilkins
He hoped he would win the first prize.
One was a cherry,
The other a berry,
But an apple won to his surprise.
--- William K Alsop Jr
We'll scrimp like the cook sage and wise,
Who connected her ass
To her stove which burned gas,
And exploited her farts to bake pies.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1930
Getting worms with the greatest of ease.
But the first of the mice,
Gets his head in a vise,
And the rest of the mice get the cheese.
--- H Myers TP9804a
Planning a soiree menu to please
Oriental and Dutch
Guests. She couldn't do much
Better than to serve Aged Buddha Cheese.
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P9607
Aphrodisiac qualities.
Its remarkable curds,
Are praised beyond words,
By both sexes, the he's and the she's.
--- Anon
Whose tastes grew perverted and rotten.
She cared not for steaks,
Or for pastry and cakes,
But lived upon penis 'au gratin'.
--- L0797
Ate onions from fair Minnisota,
And garlic from Greece,
And Limburgher cheese,
And her friends dropped like flies from the odor.
--- Anon
This is file eum
There appeared a most magical box.
Wherein every morn,
To the sound of a horn,
Came a bagel, some cream cheese, and lox.
--- Vertech Limerick Contest
It causes a puzzling disease.
With a lump in one's throat,
The drinker will bloat,
Then spray-paint the toilet cerise.
--- Jonathan Glyph
Shrugged his shoulders and said "C'est la vie!"
That's enough of that stuff
For an oeuf is an oeuf.
I shall have one on toast for my tea.
--- Bill Wall
Said: "I love Wales because it's so hilly.
The girls in the valley
Are ever so pally.
They shout, 'Come on out! Show your willy!'"
--- Bill Wall
The Muzak they play is inane;
The shoppers are rude;
The workers all brood;
The coupons drive you insane.
--- Cap'n Bean P0104
With a boxboy went down on her knees;
Midst the bleu and the gouda
Their conduct grew lewda,
Until he got blown in the bries.
--- John Eggerton P0104
When he came to the clerk, Mary Lou.
He said, "Tell me, my dear,
Your capacity here."
And she said, "Just a quart. Maybe two."
--- William N Nesbit P0104
I found I was turning much redder.
So I took a cold shower
For the best part of an hour,
With old Barbara Cartland in Jedda.
--- Kevin Hale Q
I found myself turning much redder.
So I took a cold shower
For the best part of an hour,
And then went looking for a header.
--- Bill Wall
Was asked how he made his selection.
He answered, "By Jesus,
I sniff all the cheeses,
And I choose cheese which fosters erection.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0574
His wife said to him, "Charlie, please,
When you open that cheese-jar
Shove a plug up your beezbar,
For I can't tell your farts from that cheese."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1210
"We'll solve water pollution with ease.
Only wide constipation,
Can now save our nation,
We must all live on alum and cheese."
--- Anon
I said to the lovely Louise.
But the way that she hacked,
It quite scared me; in fact
I said, "Cut it more Caerphilly, please."
--- Peter Wilkins
And I know some others don't please;
But be careful 'cause
Down south here in Oz,
We eat "Coon"...my favorite cheese.
--- David Miller
Without use of Parmesan powder.
Every young lamb
Had tasted Edam,
But still preferred his chunk of Gouda
--- Anon
Why half of it's holes, as you sees.
Now is it like that
To cut down on fat,
Or to circulate air, if you please?
--- Peter Wilkins
My dad saw an Emmenthal cheese.
When he saw the cheese's price,
He exclaimed, "Jesus Christ!
For that, fill the holes, if you please!"
--- Dr Limerick
The food fit for kings, by God, rightful.
And also for queens,
American teens,
And discriminating eyes a grand sightful.
--- Peter Wilkins
God sent it to us and to all.
A glorious boon,
And none all too soon,
For youngsters to eat, and grow tall.
--- Peter Wilkins
Ensuring us health, and great age --
Ah, Emmenthal,
Redeeming us all,
Without which the world's but a stage.
--- Peter Wilkins
A banquet that we could have had,
A feast that is wanting
Without its great haunting,
Rich flavor, regaling, thereat.
--- Peter Wilkins
Or with pineapple (maybe) saves souls.
Allelujah! All praise
To God's glorious ways...
But the holes, just why are there holes
--- Peter Wilkins
Once crept up behind Henrietta.
He bowed very low
And shouted, "Hello!"
Then shoved his head right up her sweater.
--- Bill Wall
Looped the loop with the greatest of ease,
Till he fell on the deck,
And twisted his neck;
He now lives on boogers and cheese.
--- Mike O'Conner
Are certain to make you feel queasy.
For dinner at eight,
Her soles she would grate,
To ensure that the meals was cheesy.
--- Donald McGill
Had a pussy encrusted with cheese.
Her residual piss
Made limburger and swiss
And she'd give you some if you said "please"!
--- Anon
"The semen you'll launch as my wife,
We will salvage and freeze
To resemble goat cheese,
And slice for hors d'oeuvres with a knife.
--- G1496
I got a piece stuck in my molar.
So I took a tooth pick
And was violently sick,
Into Barbara Cartland's pianola.
--- Kevin Hale Q
I found myself losing my hair.
In a panic I called,
"Oh my God! I've gone bald!"
But so's Barbara Cartland -- unfair!
--- Bill Wall
Who ate onions, blue cheese, and Sen-Sen,
Till a bad fright one day
Took her breath quite away,
And we hope she won't find it again.
--- Anon
Two monks who saw me sway
Said, "If you please,
Take of our cheese
Two hunks to gnaw, we say."
--- William K Alsop P8910
Otets Ivan, who liked not be be bored,
Ate stale cabbage and wurst
As his lungs fairly burst,
With loud songs of Swiss cheese to the Lord.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Can anyone please tell me how
To keep milk fresh longer?"
Replied Johnny Stronger:
"You can just leave the stuff in the cow."
--- Tiddy Ogg
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