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At squeeze-box play I'm no mug, An accordion-playing SEXTET The nose flute's a curious thing, A cute young thing played clarinet. At the sound of a lone clarinet, A boy who played tunes on a comb, A 'stuck-up' conductor from Troon After years of straining and heaving, A man with a didgeridoo A jongleur impecunious from France I assure you that getting a life There was a musician named Drife There was a young man of Salonika A young lady in need of a screw A musician from Kalamazoo There once was a man from Algiers, At the concert, a coed named Clewer During Mass at a church in Spaleto, On Sunday, when all were forlorn, (krummhorn - obsolete reed instrument with a fishhook shape)
A Krummhorn's not a dead ringer A Moravian elder, Hans Schmidt There once was a strapping galoot, An eight-nostrilled man in Cancun Said a cockley-bred hobo from Soho, 'It's a very odd thing' remarked Goosens, A fellow from old Porto Novo A musical lass from Arabia Since Adam's last date was a fickle ho, (fickle whore) Wife said, "My God! Can't you pack it? An early musician named Packett, (rackett - obsolete bass reed of bassoon family)
A rackett's a name (rather posh) It's bore is a bit of a caper; Alas, I don't have a rackett. A soprano recordist named Gail Mulligan was in many sacks, His measurements, sadly, well known, A sax player, Rory Mozart The man who played bass saxophone In L.A. a shawm player named June (shawm - double reed precursor to oboe)
I went down to Oystermouth Bay, The best of musicians was Chet; The outrageous young Duke of Bologna (zampogna - Pan pipes)
My friend Alexander McEnsay, In the cottage, he'd spend all the day; When stationed in Scotland, my dad Harpsichords make a big clank When a famed bagpipe band played DeWitt, You tell us, the pipes you abhor; Pipers while piping have found, To those Scots lads and lassies 'round here, If they're made from old udders somehow, For a Scotsman the heat was benumbing; A man from the Mull of Kintyre McGregor, a bashful young Scot, I purchased some bagpipes last week, I once knew a guy named MacArt Old Angus, the Laird's favorite piper, The bagpipe chanter's high-screaming skirl, Some find that the bagpipes high SKIRL, Some bagpipes were stolen! I kid One night I was roused by the pipes There was a dour Scot from Auld Reekie, On Edinburgh's busiest street, A tonal deaf Scotsman named Milt A man who had played the bassoon There once was a breathy baboon
It's bellows I push and I tug,
But the notes now are flat,
And accordion to Pat,
It's got the melodeon bug.
--- Anon
Was frustrated and perplexed, yet
Discovered a way
To keep bellows at bay,
And the pleasuring organs annexed, wet.
--- J'Carlin
And much favored East of Nanking;
But if you've congestion,
It's out of the question,
And safer to whistle or sing.
--- Ron Rubin
She also could play hard to get.
But her reed took a fall
Into rohypnol; (date rape drug)
I haven't stopped humping her yet.
--- Tom Myers
I shouted: "Stand back, I'm a vet!"
Picture Acker's alarm
As I thrust in my arm.
Oh God, I still drink to forget!
--- Kevin Hale Q
Had become such a nuisance at homb,
His ma spanked him, and then,
"Will you do it again?"
And he cheerfully answered her, "Nomb."
--- Anon
Told the woodwinds, "You're never in tune!"
I cannot tell how
But when taking his bow,
He got raped by a contra-bassoon.
--- Jemstone P0101
Now music awards I'm receiving,
For Bolero played through
A didgeridoo.
(It taught itself circular breathing.)
--- Frank
Said, "It felt really nice when I blew
Right in to this thing.
It made my heart sing.
Who'd like the next turn now, would you?"
--- Doug Harris P0508
Had a method for raising large grants.
For his baron's young wife,
He would sing and he'd fife,
As he casually lowered his pants.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
In this group is like playing the fife.
If it's little, its loved
'Cause then it can be shoved
Up your ass without using a knife.
Who knew how to live a good life;
He buggered Veronica
While he played his harmonica,
And he ate her while playing his fife.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1255
Who climbed into bed with Veronica.
When she asked him so tender
What great things he could render,
He played Beethoven's Suite for Harmonica.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024 P8302
Eyed me as I played the Kazoo.
She listened and said,
"Bring that to my bed...
You can blow it while up my wazoo!"
--- Tutta Gioia
Once played "Chloe" upon the Kazoo.
The crowd screamed for more,
So for an encore,
He played "Trees" on the didgeri-doo.
--- Don Boen P8112
Who earned a small sum from his ears,
Which he flapped fro and to
While he played a Kazoo
And drew few, but exuberant, cheers.
--- JSE
Fell in love with a handsome Kazooer.
That night about 2:00
She blew his Kazoo,
And he emptied both gonads into her.
--- Michael Weinstein P8302
Krummhorns tootled a dance by Susato.
While the Bishop, a Croat,
Rode the aisles on a goat,
The archdeacon sucked on a tomato.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Like a sheep that's been dipped and then shorn,
He made every one laugh,
Not by a quick gaffe,
But by playing his raucous krummhorn.
--- Jonathan Munn
For any popular singer.
It's small and it's brown;
It can't play upside-down,
And Christ! It's a bugger to finger.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Played the krummhorn while taking a shit.
The year plumbing came in,
Schmidt took up violin.
"More refined," he opined. Then he'd shit.
--- Anon
Who played lute, saquebut, and flute.
He'd whack nuts with the flute,
Sack their butts and then scoot
Out of town with a sack full of loot, tooting flute.
--- Pat Powers
Blows his nose-organ nicely in tune,
Till the ragweeds first bloom,
When he suffers from rheum,
So he plays the mouth-organ in June.
--- Prof M-G T9707
Playing "God save the King" on his oboe,
"Don't call me a hobo
A-playing me oboe...
I'm an 'obo a-playing me hoboe."
--- Joseph S Newman
'But if ever my upper lip loosens
My oboe propounds
Such indelicate sounds
I'm arrested for causing a nuisance.'
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Had a strange place for storing his oboe.
Decorum stops me merely
From uttering clearly,
Just say when he farts, there's an echo.
--- Robert Elliot
Would play "Die Forelle" or maybe "A-
Pres midi d'un faun";
All she needed, she'd yawn,
Was some paper, a comb, and her labia!
--- Pangolin TP9901
He aspired to score with a piccolo.
He attempted to charge her,
But couldn't get larger,
So all he could do was to lick her low.
--- Anon
That racket! I can no longer hack it!
Just WHAT is that noise?"
He replied with great poise...
"It's Brahms with his C-Minor Racket!!"
--- Anon
Was fed up and just couldn't hack it.
He stood on a chair
High up in the air,
And impaled himself on a rackett.
--- Jonathan Munn
For a bassoon that's suffered a squash.
The reeds that it needs
Can be found among weeds
That grow largely in swamps or a wash.
--- Jonathan Munn
It goes up and down with no taper.
It makes a slight buzz,
Like a bee caught in fuzz,
And makes noises like comb and some paper.
--- Anon
As really they cost quite a packet.
The reason, you see,
Is a lack of money,
And besides, I don't think I could hack it.
--- Sarah Lowe
This is file pil
Got herself swallowed up by a whale.
All day long in his belly
She'd practice her Tele-
mann Suites, 'til the poor beast turned pale.
--- Anon
But slipped into very few cracks.
Young Gerry, you see,
Eclipsed me and thee,
His dick was as huge as his sax.
--- Anon
The ladies all feared that huge bone.
They'd just wet his reed,
Then finish the deed,
While fingering that baritone.
--- Anon
Got off to a ripping bad start.
Each time that he tuned,
The effect was ruined,
When each note came out just like a fart.
--- Annie Jay
Achieved a mellifluous tone.
He was fond of fried chicken
And the girl's pulse would quicken,
Whenever he slipped her the bone.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0209
Had great problems just staying in tune.
All her colleagues would flee
When she went out of key.
This is why she's now taking bassoon.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
With squeeze-box and offered to play.
I asked for requests;
They answered -- you've guessed --
Play "Over the Hills, Far Away."
--- Tiddy Ogg
A lover she'll never forget.
He filled her so well,
Her girlfriends she'd tell,
"I think he used his clarinet!"
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0209
Used to play on a large black zampogna
During dinners at court.
(It was rude, they all thought.)
From his ass, there would sprout a begonia.
--- Anon
On a visit, too long he would stay.
He would eat like a horse,
Always our food, of course;
When leaving he'd not offer to pay.
--- Arthur Pattaffy
His bagpipes for hours he'd play.
Our pets have left home,
'Round the island to roam,
Our donkeys will no longer bray.
--- Arthur Pattaffy
Had reason to think pipes were bad.
When a pilot was killed,
They skirled and they chilled
The hearts of those grieving the lad.
--- Tutta Gioia
Like coins dropping into a bank.
But it's bagpipes I curse;
They're a bloody sight worse.
Are they someone's idea of a prank?
--- Peter Wilkins
A man asked their leader, McNitt,
Why they always parade
When they play. He essayed,
"Moving targets are harder to hit!"
--- P8302
You're just one amonst many more;
I believe in the past
The bagpipes were classed
As an inhumane weapon of war.
--- Tiddy Ogg
As they march up and down and around,
Quick march or slow,
However they go,
They cannot escape that damn sound.
--- Tutta Gioia
If you're born with a natural ear
For the sound of the Pipes,
Please forgive recent gripes,
But their noise drives me crazy, I fear.
--- Peter Wilkins
'Twould explain that cow-phonious row;
Although sheep gut would be
More ewe-phonious, see,
I think haggis is made from that now.
--- Peter Wilkins
He imagined he heard bagpipes humming
In unlikely places;
On a desert oasis,
He dreamt that the Campbells were coming.
--- Laurence Perrine P9407
Said, "My bagpipes are always for hire."
When he started to play,
He was shot, so they say,
Which deflated them just like a tire.
--- Spike Mulligan
Had been chaste, but never been caught.
Till a lassie one day
Said, "The bagpipes you play
Don't compare with the organ you've got."
--- Macsam
And practised their droning and squeak.
My neighbor next door
Though, who hails from Jaipur,
Said the noise of the pipes made him Sikh.
--- Peter Wilkins
Who made blowing 'pipes a new art;
Stuck them up his kilt
Buried to the hilt,
And blew shitty tunes with his farts.
--- Anon
Was shot in the balls by a sniper.
It seems that the fool
Mistook Angus's tool
For a species of venomous viper.
--- Peter Wilkins
Is best reserved for tartan's swirl.
While those who complain
Of high-singing's pain
Reserve for themselves, name of churl.
--- Daniel Ford
Like the shriek of a demented girl,
Or nail on a chalkboard,
Falsetto Dan Ford,
Makes you into a tiny ball curl.
--- Chris Papa
You not, folks, for happen it did.
Police, under cover,
Seek a true music lover,
Or maybe a short-sighted squid.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Being played by a band of strange types.
They then tossed a caber,
And shouted, "Vote Labour!"
My sporran lit up and said Cripes!
--- Bill Wall
Whose bagpipes were tuneless and squeaky.
When they begged, "Stop that noise!"
He replied with great poise,
"Och, 'tis only a valve that is leaky."
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
The tourists all blether "How neat", (talk nonsense)
When a man in a kilt
Starts to wheeze at full tilt
On the bagpipes, while some of us greet. (twirl)
--- rORY eWINS
Came quite close to nearly being killed.
His bad songs on the pipes,
Cause complaints, boos, and gripes,
And the bluebells of Scotland to wilt.
--- T Arnold
Was heard whistling a hillbilly tune,
And though it's not fair
He was moved from first chair,
And forbidden to play Claire de lune.
--- Bob Birch
Who always breathed down a bassoon.
For he said, "It appears
That in billions of years,
I shall certainly hit on a tune."
--- Sir Arthur Eddington
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