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There was an old lady from Macon, When trying to make Matzo Brie, You see, she often does spread There was a young lady named Bessie A diner became rather flustered, Please consider well-born Molly Sprague Our new chef is David, he's Danish; A good cook from the city of Lyme It seems Ronald chose Caspar as host (President Ron Reagan and Caspar Weinberger)
It has always been said at Upgate On her westward trek Mrs. Jermain The ranchwoman got out her jars, There was an Old Man of the North, When under the covers I dove, From the chef of Annapolis Royal There was a young lady of Sooke A gourmet's time is well spent, Worry not, I won't leave you bereft; My thought rate is really sedentary; The stock at Moish Cohen's, a deli, Hey waiter, my soup's got a twig in! The misogynist chef name of Pitt I dare not take a look in my fridge; Behold the delights of sweet Nina; Gourmet isn't something I crave. The moral of this little line Onion, carrot, and ground fenugreek; There was an old lady of Brooking, A beggar who hollers, "Baksheesh!" Absent-minded I am to a fault. A short-order cook, Dominique, My wife's a good cook, on the whole, There was an old lady of Hake, There once was a gourmet whose waffle There once was a chef in Paris, There was an old maid of Van Nuys, (Take the beans, they'll beef hearts tomorrow. - McW)
To the Moose Cafe we retreated, Mother, Mother, come out and look, Before Penny and Jim's marriage day, I'm told by a nurse, name of Norma, Curry's a very fine food; Lamont made one hell of a stew; Famed Research Dietitian, LePlace, An old Irish chef named McGrew A statesman who lived near the Isis He caters for Popes and for Nuns, My wife makes an interesting stew, Mrs Perfesser took a couple of rocks, His sight was so feeble and blurred, A careless young bride name of White, In the kitchen, poor Richard was caught, A truly incredible ape No master, The Clam Bake's chef Patch; "I'm going to cook dinner", said my guy, Now my friend is realy the most! I knew a guy once just as bad; He once a strawberry milk shake With these experiences he is reeling, A guy became really a curser There once was a young Mr Tate; The Dowager Duchess of Drake The Dowager Duchess of Bream The Dowager Duchess of Snoot Forgetful young Marianne Groves, Been reading a cookery book I had him last Christmas, as well,
In whose oven, buns were always bakin'.
She'd boff and she'd toff,
And then say, "Bugger off!"
For she loved makin' bacon.
--- Anon
The eggs you must break 'fore you fry.
Add salt to taste
Else they will go to waste,
And another batch you'll just have to try.
--- Arden
Peanut butter on toast or plain bread.
This combo deserves
Some raspberry preserves,
But she uses the Mayo instead!
--- Anon
Who welcomed the chef, neat and dressy.
She did not mind his meat
For she thought it a treat,
But she felt that his gravy was messy.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1950
When all of his resources he mustered
To sort out his sauces
On the various courses,
And discovered the mustard was custard.
--- Dick Hedger
Whose survival skills are somewhat vague.
Since she's lived all her life
Free of purpose or strife,
Never has Molly coddled an egg.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0105
His girlfriend is Helga, she's Swedish;
She says, "He's no wee gun,
Does laps with a big one --
If he keeps it up, we'll be finish!"
--- Anon
Tried to finish a meal by lunchtime.
She started to dice
And chop the last spice,
But alas, then she ran out of thyme.
--- Kirk Miller
For the new cooking school coast to coast,
And his cookout so grand
Will embrace the whole land,
As together we make a fine roast.
--- Albin Chaplin
That the profit from mustard is great.
It's not what you eat
With your cheese or your meat,
But what's left behind on the plate.
--- Archie
Used her Teflon on the wagon train,
And it simplified things
To do Buffalo Wings,
On a small campstove fueled by propane.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0401
And peeled and pickled for hours,
Which made her so tired,
She thought she expired,
But revived after nine whiskey sours.
--- Cow Sheep Petersen Rhodes
Who fell in a basin of broth;
But a laudable Cook
Fished him out with a hook,
But he ruined the soup with his froth.
--- Edwardian Leer 088
Expecting a great treasure trove.
I searched for nutrition
Instead of coition,
And sauted your cream on the stove.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Comes this recipe: "Baster her in oil,
Gently increase the heat
Till she's tender and sweet,
And then serve, en brochette, at the boil."
--- Keith MacMillan 27a
Who knew every trick in the book.
I don't mean to say
She was loose in the hay,
I just mean that she knew how to cook.
--- John E Mayhood P0900
Choosing legumes ESCULENT,
Like cassoulet pot,
Or chili quite hot;
All bound to bring sighs of content.
--- Chris Papa
Juicy tidbits are always left.
I'm not adverse to share
In my bountiful fare.
At slicing and dicing, I'm deft.
--- Anon
So the answer's perhaps elementary.
How long does it take
A slow cooker to make
A meal? I guess it's eventually.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Was nicked by a thief for his belly.
In desperation he chose
His small cafe to close,
So he sold it. Now Cohen's Mick Kelly's.
--- Arthur Pattaffy
Please go, without zaggin' or ziggin',
And fetch the branch manager,
It's to your adavantage, sir,
Or your grave they may soon be a-diggin'!
--- Observer
Said, "For women I care not a bit,
But a roast I'll prepare
At their garden affair,
And I'll spend my time turning the spit."
--- Al Chaplin P0302
I can open it only a smidge.
Last night when I looked
For some stuff I had cooked,
I felt something inside there go "squidge".
--- Peter Wilkins
Cooks flapjacks to a golden patina.
She wakes you at dawn,
Serving tea on the lawn,
Always with a gentle demeanor.
--- Jessie Gunnard
In the kitchen I'm not one to slave.
My best palate pleaser,
Comes out of the freezer,
And goes into the microwave.
--- Anon
Is to know where and when not to dine.
Lest I bore you, I fear,
I'll end my tale here.
It's beginning to sound asinine.
--- Terry Greenwalt P0302
One game fowl, dry hung for a week.
White wine, pepper and salt,
Teaspoon vinegar, malt;
Bake and serve on a bed of braised leek.
--- Anon
Who had a great genius for cooking.
She could bake sixty pies
All about the same size,
And tell which was which without looking.
--- Anon
Will hardly expect a pastiche
Or a mixture of gook
From tyros who cook
A hodgepodge and call it a quiche.
--- R J Winkler P8407
Where the hell did I put the damned salt?
And the pepper is where?
Did it vanish in air?
Where's the beef? Dinner's ground to a halt!
--- Naomi J Kahn
Could not bear the slightest critique.
When her burgers grew mold,
She stiffened and told
The complainant, "They are antique!"
--- Emmanuel Lamprecht
But I think she has flipped, bless her soul.
She boiled up those squares,
You fit on armchairs.
Result: antimacassarole.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Who said "I will bake a fine cake";
She threw in some stones,
And a bag of old bones,
Three trowels, two forks, and a rake.
--- Donall O Ceochiin
This is file esm
Was hard and incredibly awful.
He was using concrete
Instead of whole wheat.
His recipe should be unlawful.
--- Tillmanator
Who piddled in a BAIN-MARIE
And with smile sublime
Said, "It sure saves time,
As I cook with the other hand free."
--- Chris Papa
Who went crazy from making mud pies.
She would fill them with farts,
And pickled beef hearts,
And bake them between her fierce thighs.
--- L0903
Where the owners made sure we were seated
To a spot with good views.
The food got good reviews.
We stayed till our food was depleted.
--- Hilde na Baeg
You've let the oatmeal overcook.
Lots of sugar and cream,
Won't make it better seem,
Because you're reading that damn book!
--- William K Alsop Jr
She called him a Greek god. Now they say
That she has begun
To treat him like one--
With burnt offerings three times a day.
--- A N Wilkins P8309
Who acts like a trusted informer,
About poor Dan Murray,
Who's been sniffing curry...
And now the poor lad's in a korma.
--- Tiddy Ogg
To eat through the nose, rather rude.
The patient of Norma
Is deserving his Korma
And put me in a rather ill mood.
--- Nawahl
It was zesty to swallow and chew;
But then later, at night,
With a menacing might,
It wreaked havoc with old number 2.
--- Cap'n Bean P0410
Was stripped of his Chef's hat in disgrace.
His research nutritional
Was non-traditional.
He'd faked his Bouilla and data baisse.
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P9712
Enticed a young waitress to screw.
While trying to mount her,
He fell off the counter,
Right into the Mulligan stew.
--- David Miller
Remarked to his cook in a crisis:
"This meat is so tough,
It is more than enough
To give a gas oven gastritis!"
--- Linda Marsh Coll
Protesters and men bearing guns.
But soon they all beat
A hasty retreat,
Because he just gives them the runs.
--- Anon
That will stick to your ribs when you're through,
To add to the taste
She'll use library paste,
And to thicken, she'll use Elmer's glue.
--- Bob Birch P0410
Which (nearsighted) she took for ham hocks.
She whipped up a soup,
With onions and goop,
But it tasted a bit like gym socks.
--- Anon
That into his porridge he stirred
A handful of hay,
And a dollop of clay,
And other things odd and absurd.
--- William K Alsop P9211
The dinner had burned in a fright.
Soon her husband was due
And she cried in a stew,
"I wonder what he'll eat tonight?"
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1301
And he said, with his hand in the pot,
"Though I did bake a cake,
What I miss -- I miss steak --
But a cook -- this for certain I'm not!"
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2947
Took flour, some gin and a grape,
And whipped them to mousse,
Then fried to produce
A truly inedible crepe.
--- Virge
Don't gulp his poor wares down your hatch;
His frog legs are gimpy;
His scampi are skimpy;
His fish you would swear last year's catch.
--- Armand E Singer 87
But he found that his recipe was shy.
I said it would fit,
If he'd just double it.
He said, "The oven is not that high"!
--- Anon
But on cooking, he gave up the ghost.
He can't make a batch,
Of anything by scratch.
But he says," 'Least I can boil toast."
--- Anon
His idea of cooking was sad.
He boiled up some beans
Without opening them it seems,
And now with beans his ceiling is clad.
--- Anon
In the blender decided to make.
So he put it all in,
Switched it on for a spin
WITHOUT the lid. A mistake!
--- Anon
(I think I know the feeling).
I can tell what he's eaten
Grilled, whisked or beaten
By the remnants that's left on the ceiling!
--- Anon
When his chef burned his food, but much worser,
He took the chef's life,
Caught him down on his wife.
"You fucked up my eating and vice-versa!"
--- Theo Heller P9408
Big juicy mushrooms he ate.
One far-away cousin
Once sent him a dozen.
The funeral's tomorrow at eight.
--- Anon
Collapsed at the height of a wake;
She found strength to shout,
As they bore her bod out:
'I should never have taken the cake.'
--- Arthur Deex P0303
Collapsed at the height of a dream;
She found strength to whine
As they bore her supine:
'I should never have taken the cream.'
--- Arthur Deex P0303
Collapsed at the height of a toot;
She found strength to cry
As they bore her on high:
'I should never have taken the fruit.'
--- Arthur Deex P0303
Bought meat, veg, fish, fruit, and two loaves,
Forgetting the spice.
We all think it's nice,
To see Marianne with no cloves.
--- Tiddy Ogg
'Bout trussing up poultry to cook;
While here on the floor,
With his eye on the door,
Is that turkey called Gobbledy-gook.
--- Peter Wilkins
And chased him around for a spell;
I told him he ought
To be cooked but he fought
Me and dammit! He bit me to hell!
--- Peter Wilkins
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